I came out as aromantic earlier this year and I'm still figuring out what that means. In short, I've always desired a romantic relationship but when it came to reality, I got disgusted by every partner I was with. For a while I thought it was just fear of intimacy (which part of it still is), but it's deeper than that. I was raised religious and told from childhood that I needed to find a husband and start a family as young as possible (LDS, if you were wondering). Even after my family left the church, that mindset stuck with me. I would get infatuated with someone and think it was love. Right now I experience deep friendship or obsession, neither of which are enough to make me want to be in a relationship. I've always been a very independent person and I treasure my alone time. The thought of someone moving into my life and taking over my space terrifies me. That may change some day, but right now I'm settled with not pursuing a relationship.
Something I've noticed through social media and in real life is how much emphasis people put on romantic relationships. I understand that many people's goals is to create a family of their own, and that's great for them, but I think a lot of people would be better off focusing on themselves and their current relationships than rushing into something with someone they're not happy with. I do see the tides turning from past generations with more importance put into friendships and learning how to love yourself these days, but it's still not great. Some people can't believe that a person could be happy without romance. I'm lucky in that the people around me are very accepting, but it feels like they always forget my identity. Recently I was asked if I was sad that I'm single and all I could do is laugh and say no.
I'm happy how I am now. I have a lot of work to do with myself before I even consider the possibility of a committed relationship, romantic or otherwise. I have a semester left until I graduate, and my focus right now is on figuring out my future and finishing strong. I also got cast in a show next spring, so that'll take up a lot of my time. I enjoy my alone time and being able to do what I want in my own space. I'd much rather keep it that way, and if things change in the future, I'm open to whatever comes.
Recently I've found myself missing womanhood. There's a few reasons, but the one I want to focus on here are what I call "moments of serenity." The things I think of for this are doing things specifically for my appearance that I can just take some time and enjoy doing. Think makeup, nails, or picking outfits. It's something that I can just take the time to do to make myself feel better. My favorite part of identifying as a woman was picking outfits and doing my makeup. I can still do those things as I am now, it's just different. It's not as socially acceptable and I need to consider where I'm going to be if I want to wear makeup. It also doesn't look the same as it used to. I feel like the looks I used to do don't suit me as well. I miss wearing dresses and skirts, but I have to prioritize my identity over what I look like. I am happy with how I look, but I rarely have the same excitement over my appearance on a daily basis that I used to.
That being said, it's hard to find moments of serenity as a man. I can still do makeup and pick outfits and paint my nails, but I have to feel secure in my identity before I do that. I have to think about who will be seeing me, as wearing these things feels vulnerable and I need to know I'm around safe people. I think I look hot passing as androgynous, but it's also a question of safety at this point.
I honestly can't think of many moments of serenity that support my identity as a man. My first thought is going to the gym or cooking, but those are things that take time and effort. Moments of serenity are something I can just do because I want to that takes little effort.